A symbol representing the blue rose.


An angel looks out at the sunset, with a lion behind him.

I love myself, 
and hate myself,
and everything in between. 

The scope of emotion  
I have towards myself 
is far too developed  
to only be 
positive or negative. 

I have a more complete 
understanding of who I am 
than anyone else can.

Obligatory disclaimer: I don't think these collected online resources are a substitute for actual therapy.


Linuxtjej's Mastodon thread
Body Dysmorphic Disorder Foundation
Futurebird: "Everyone is beautiful? That's just something ugly people say."
CCI: Looking After Yourself
Real Life Mag: Hard to See - "How trauma became synonymous with authenticity." Has lots of overlap with the Internet page.
The New Inquiry: Hot Allostatic Load - Disposability from a trans feminine perspective.
Telegraph: At 80, I'm still in therapy to deal with seeing my mother beaten by my father - You're not going to "get over it" the way society expects. Please don't feel guilty, or like a failiure, because it's staying with you. Making a sort of peace with the fires that forged you is the healthier course of action, at least in my opinion.
The International Consortium for Maladaptive Daydreaming Research
Maladaptive Daydreaming Guide


"If you have been experiencing some of the following signs and symptoms most of the day, nearly every day, for at least two weeks, you may be suffering from depression."

(Edited from the original)


Depressive Realism

Depersonalization & Derealization

"Depersonalization-derealization disorder occurs when you persistently or repeatedly have the feeling that you're observing yourself from outside your body or you have a sense that things around you aren't real, or both. Feelings of depersonalization and derealization can be very disturbing and may feel like you're living in a dream."

My personal experience with Depersonalization-derealization disorder is deeply connected to my personal experience with gender dysphoria.

Symptoms of depersonalization include:

Symptoms of derealization include:

(Edited from the original)




Alexithymia, also called emotional blindness, is a neuropsychological phenomenon characterized by significant challenges in recognizing, expressing, and describing one's own emotions. It is associated with difficulties in attachment theory and interpersonal relations. While there is no scientific consensus on its classification as a personality trait, medical symptom, or mental disorder, alexithymia is highly prevalent among individuals with autism spectrum disorder, ranging from 50% to 85% of prevalence.

Alexithymia occurs in approximately 10% of the general population and often co-occurs with various mental disorders, particularly with neurodevelopmental disorders. Difficulty in recognizing and discussing emotions may manifest at subclinical levels in men who conform to specific cultural norms of masculinity, such as the belief that sadness is a feminine emotion. This condition, known as normative male alexithymia, can be present in both sexes. Additionally, individuals with alexithymia may intentionally appear unempathetic and display inappropriate emotional exchanges.

(Edited from the original)


Gloria Willcox's "Feeling Wheel" (Liberate)
Alexithymia Depot


"You are not responsible for how people respond/react to your boundaries. In fact, observing how others respond to boundaries are a good indicator of what kind of people/friends they are."

emotional boundaries: around innapropriate topics, emotional dumping, & dismissing emotions "This isn't a topic I'm willing to discuss."
mental boundaries: around your freedom to have your own thoughts, beliefs, values, ideas, opinions, etc. "I respect your disagreement with my opinion, can you please respect my disagreement with yours?"
physical boundaries: around proximity, touch, PDA, comments regarding appearance and/or sexuality, etc. "Please give me a little space."
material boundaries: around possesions, when and how they can be used, and how they can be treated. "You can only borrow my bike on weekends."
time boundaries: around time, lateness, when to contact, favors & free labor. "If you're going to be late, please text me to let me know."


Dan's Admission


acedia: a state of listlessness or torpor, of not caring or not being concerned with one's position or condition in the world
allostatic load: the "wear and tear" on the body which accumulates as an individual is exposed to repeated or chronic stress
anhedonia: an inability to feel pleasure from generally pleasurable occurences
besotted: infautuated, senseless, morally blinded, characterized by drunken stupidity
doldrums: a spell of listlessness/despondency/inactivity/stagnation
eccedentesiast: one who knows their own feelings, but is too insecure to express them accurately
ennui: a feeling of weariness/dissatisfaction/boredom resulting from overexposure to something
fervor: an intense and passionate feeling
flabbergasted: intense shock, suprise, astonishment
frisson: a sudden shiver/surge/shudder/moment of intense excitement
kenopsia: the eerie atmosphere of places that were once bustling with people but are now empty & quiet
lachrymose: causing, given to tears and weeping
maudlin: effusively sad/self-pitying/sentimental
orectic: of or pertaining to the desires, appetitive
ornery: cantankerous, disagreeable
saudade: profound (often nostalgic) melancholic longing for something/someone that one cares for; the love that remains after someone is gone; memory of something with a desire for it
schadenfreude: delight in the misfortune of another
sehnsucht: longing, desire, yearing, craving
toska: spiritual anguish, a listless melancholy, a sadness with no specific cause, a dull ache of the soul, a longing with nothing to long for, a vague restlessness, ennui
weltschmerz: a sort of weary depression with the human condition or state of the world


"It's strangely comforting, yet terrifying, to learn that many of my most unexpressible foibles and shadowed pathologies, the little internal shrieks of strangeness dotting my childhood, have whole communities dedicated to them online, even possessing their own ingroup language and lore. Nobody is ever really alone, no?"


!Yume Nikki by Kikiyama (Windows/Steam/Web)
Howling Dogs by Porpentine (Web)



!Harmlessness by The World Is a Beautiful Place... (Bandcamp)
WASTEISOLATION by Black Dresses (Bandcamp)
I Am The Movie by Motion City Soundtrack (Bandcamp/Youtube)


!Pretty Bones by yeule (Youtube)
Dark Was the Night, Cold Was the Ground by Blind Willie Johnson (Youtube)
Life is Flashing Before Your Eyes by Vince Collins & Lewis Motisher (Youtube)


No Longer Human by Osamu Dazai
The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath (Faded Page)



OPAL by Jack Stauber (Youtube)

"The so-called 'psychotically depressed' person 
 who tries to kill herself doesn't do so out of 
 quote 'hopelessness' or any abstract conviction 
 that life's assets and debits do not square. 
 And surely not because death seems suddenly appealing. 

 The person in whom Its invisible agony reaches 
 a certain unendurable level will kill herself 
 the same way a trapped person will eventually 
 jump from the window of a burning high-rise. 

 Make no mistake about people 
 who leap from burning windows. 
 Their terror of falling from a great height 
 is still just as great as it would be 
 for you or me standing speculatively 
 at the same window just checking out the view; 

 i.e. the fear of falling remains a constant. 
 The variable here is the other terror, the fire's flames: 
 when the flames get close enough, 
 falling to death becomes the slightly 
 less terrible of two terrors. 

 It’s not desiring the fall; 
 it’s terror of the flames. 

 And yet nobody down on the sidewalk, 
 looking up and yelling 'Don't!' and 'Hang on!', 
 can understand the jump. Not really. 
 You'd have to have personally been trapped 
 and felt flames to really understand 
 a terror way beyond falling."

    - David Foster Wallace