Therapeutic
I love myself,
and hate myself,
and everything in between.
The scope of emotion
I have towards myself
is far too developed
to only be
positive or negative.
I have a more complete
understanding of who I am
than anyone else can.
Obligatory disclaimer: I don't think these collected online resources are a substitute for actual therapy.
Links
selfcare.tech
Maladaptive Daydreaming Guide
Linuxtjej's Mastodon thread
Body Dysmorphic Disorder Foundation
Futurebird: "Everyone is beautiful? That's just something ugly people say."
CCI: Looking After Yourself
Real Life Mag: Hard to See - "How trauma became synonymous with authenticity." Has lots of overlap with the Internet page.
The New Inquiry: Hot Allostatic Load - Disposability from a trans feminine perspective.
Telegraph: At 80, I'm still in therapy to deal with seeing my mother beaten by my father - You're not going to "get over it" the way society expects. Please don't feel guilty, or like a failiure, because it's staying with you. Making a sort of peace with the fires that forged you is the healthier course of action, at least in my opinion.
Depression
"If you have been experiencing some of the following signs and symptoms most of the day, nearly every day, for at least two weeks, you may be suffering from depression."
- Persistent sad, anxious, or “empty” mood
- Feelings of hopelessness, or pessimism
- Feelings of irritability, frustration, or restlessness
- Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, or helplessness
- Loss of interest or pleasure in hobbies and activities
- Decreased energy, fatigue, or feeling "slowed down"
- Difficulty concentrating, remembering, or making decisions
- Difficulty sleeping, early morning awakening, or oversleeping
- Changes in appetite or unplanned weight changes
- Aches or pains, headaches, cramps, or digestive problems without a clear physical cause that do not ease even with treatment
- Thoughts of death or suicide
(Edited from the original)
Links
Depersonalization & Derealization
"Depersonalization-derealization disorder occurs when you persistently or repeatedly have the feeling that you're observing yourself from outside your body or you have a sense that things around you aren't real, or both. Feelings of depersonalization and derealization can be very disturbing and may feel like you're living in a dream."
My personal experience with Depersonalization-derealization disorder is deeply connected to my personal experience with gender dysphoria.
Symptoms of depersonalization include:
- Feelings that you're an outside observer of your thoughts, feelings, your body or parts of your body (as if you were floating in the air above yourself, for example)
- Feeling like a robot or that you're not in control of your speech or movements
- The sense that your body, legs or arms appear distorted, enlarged or shrunken, or that your head is wrapped in cotton
- Emotional or physical numbness of your senses or responses to the world around you
- A sense that your memories lack emotion, and that they may or may not be your own memories
Symptoms of derealization include:
- Feelings of being alienated from or unfamiliar with your surroundings (as if you're living in a movie or a dream, for example)
- Feeling emotionally disconnected from people you care about, as if you were separated by a glass wall
- Surroundings that appear distorted, blurry, colorless, two-dimensional or artificial, or a heightened awareness and clarity of your surroundings
- Distortions in perception of time, such as recent events feeling like distant past
- Distortions of distance and the size and shape of objects
(Edited from the original)
Links
Alexithemia
Alexithymia, also called emotional blindness, is a neuropsychological phenomenon characterized by significant challenges in recognizing, expressing, and describing one's own emotions. It is associated with difficulties in attachment theory and interpersonal relations. While there is no scientific consensus on its classification as a personality trait, medical symptom, or mental disorder, alexithymia is highly prevalent among individuals with autism spectrum disorder, ranging from 50% to 85% of prevalence.
Alexithymia occurs in approximately 10% of the general population and often co-occurs with various mental disorders, particularly with neurodevelopmental disorders. Difficulty in recognizing and discussing emotions may manifest at subclinical levels in men who conform to specific cultural norms of masculinity, such as the belief that sadness is a feminine emotion. This condition, known as normative male alexithymia, can be present in both sexes. Additionally, individuals with alexithymia may intentionally appear unempathetic and display inappropriate emotional exchanges.
(Edited from the original)
Links
Gloria Willcox's "Feeling Wheel" (Liberate)
Alexithymia Depot
Boundaries
"You are not responsible for how people respond/react to your boundaries. In fact, observing how others respond to boundaries are a good indicator of what kind of people/friends they are."
emotional boundaries: around innapropriate topics, emotional dumping, & dismissing emotions "This isn't a topic I'm willing to discuss."
mental boundaries: around your freedom to have your own thoughts, beliefs, values, ideas, opinions, etc. "I respect your disagreement with my opinion, can you please respect my disagreement with yours?"
physical boundaries: around proximity, touch, PDA, comments regarding appearance and/or sexuality, etc. "Please give me a little space."
material boundaries: around possesions, when and how they can be used, and how they can be treated. "You can only borrow my bike on weekends."
time boundaries: around time, lateness, when to contact, favors & free labor. "If you're going to be late, please text me to let me know."
Links
Lexicon
acedia: a state of listlessness or torpor, of not caring or not being concerned with one's position or condition in the world
allostatic load: the "wear and tear" on the body which accumulates as an individual is exposed to repeated or chronic stress
anhedonia: an inability to feel pleasure from generally pleasurable occurences
besotted: infautuated, senseless, morally blinded, characterized by drunken stupidity
doldrums: a spell of listlessness/despondency/inactivity/stagnation
eccedentesiast: one who knows their own feelings, but is too insecure to express them accurately
ennui: a feeling of weariness/dissatisfaction/boredom resulting from overexposure to something
fervor: an intense and passionate feeling
flabbergasted: intense shock, suprise, astonishment
frisson: a sudden shiver/surge/shudder/moment of intense excitement
kenopsia: the eerie atmosphere of places that were once bustling with people but are now empty & quiet
lachrymose: causing, given to tears and weeping
maudlin: effusively sad/self-pitying/sentimental
orectic: of or pertaining to the desires, appetitive
ornery: cantankerous, disagreeable
saudade: profound (often nostalgic) melancholic longing for something/someone that one cares for; the love that remains after someone is gone; memory of something with a desire for it
schadenfreude: delight in the misfortune of another
sehnsucht: longing, desire, yearing, craving
toska: spiritual anguish, a listless melancholy, a sadness with no specific cause, a dull ache of the soul, a longing with nothing to long for, a vague restlessness, ennui
weltschmerz: a sort of weary depression with the human condition or state of the world
Art
"It's strangely comforting, yet terrifying, to learn that many of my most unexpressible foibles and shadowed pathologies, the little internal shrieks of strangeness dotting my childhood, have whole communities dedicated to them online, even possessing their own ingroup language and lore. Nobody is ever really alone, no?"
Ludens
!Yume Nikki by Kikiyama (Windows/Steam/Web)
Howling Dogs by Porpentine (Web)
Audio
Albums
!Harmlessness by The World Is a Beautiful Place... (Bandcamp)
WASTEISOLATION by Black Dresses (Bandcamp)
I Am The Movie by Motion City Soundtrack (Bandcamp/Youtube)
Songs
!Pretty Bones by yeule (Youtube)
Dark Was the Night, Cold Was the Ground by Blind Willie Johnson (Youtube)
Life is Flashing Before Your Eyes by Vince Collins & Lewis Motisher (Youtube)
Visual
Moving
OPAL by Jack Stauber (Youtube)
"The so-called 'psychotically depressed' person
who tries to kill herself doesn't do so out of
quote 'hopelessness' or any abstract conviction
that life's assets and debits do not square.
And surely not because death seems suddenly appealing.
The person in whom Its invisible agony reaches
a certain unendurable level will kill herself
the same way a trapped person will eventually
jump from the window of a burning high-rise.
Make no mistake about people
who leap from burning windows.
Their terror of falling from a great height
is still just as great as it would be
for you or me standing speculatively
at the same window just checking out the view;
i.e. the fear of falling remains a constant.
The variable here is the other terror, the fire's flames:
when the flames get close enough,
falling to death becomes the slightly
less terrible of two terrors.
It’s not desiring the fall;
it’s terror of the flames.
And yet nobody down on the sidewalk,
looking up and yelling 'Don't!' and 'Hang on!',
can understand the jump. Not really.
You'd have to have personally been trapped
and felt flames to really understand
a terror way beyond falling."
- David Foster Wallace