Involuntary Defensiveness

I struggle with "defending" against conversation, even when I really wanted to talk to that person. Someone I met at my community college's art club will say "Hey (deadname)! How are you?" at the bus stop, and while I'll be able to tell that he genuinely wants to talk to me more and is trying to start a conversation, I'll automatically just reply in a way that stops the flow dead and gets me out of there. Only on the bus back home will I register that I fucked up in the moment and start kicking myself for it.

And I even do this online! If the convo is slow paced checking-email-once-a-day type shit, I can sometimes catch myself, but quickly messaging someone isn't any less immune to this issue than in-person interaction for me.

Why do I do it? I guess it's for the same reasons as a lot of shit I do: surviving as a closeted trans girl in a conservative environment requires being always on guard, reserved as hell, and able to keep everyone around you out of your inner world.